I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
