i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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