Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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