i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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