So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
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so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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