You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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