His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
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