all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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