you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
