she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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