i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
My feet surprised me
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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