and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
