I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
