he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
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