my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
is it fun? or sober?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
