I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
jump out the window naked night went bad
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