Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
