she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
