I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
