she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
