did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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