I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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