remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
