I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
