I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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