They should really pass out barf bags in church
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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