her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
