Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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