Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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