I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize