Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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