why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
