Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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