the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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