Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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