my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
