I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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