onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
this just has baby written all over it
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
