My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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