her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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