Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
