Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
