I just saw a hot homeless man
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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