Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
