i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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