Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
