Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
