lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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