Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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