The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
