i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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