I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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