I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
