I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
