Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
