She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
