Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
