My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
