Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
