3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You smell like a Billy Joel song
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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