no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
