Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
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