i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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