I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
