I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
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Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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