Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
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